Wednesday, October 6, 2010

A Changing View of Life

I think your view of life changes as you grow older. It seems that almost every day something that used to be important drops out of my “Gee, everyone should do/think/say/feel this way” basket.

Take adverbs for example. Now, I’ve always been a stickler when it comes to adverbs. They’re one of the bedrocks of English grammar, and when one uses them, one sounds somewhat intelligent, which makes whatever one is saying much more likely to be noticed and heeded. Or at the very least, people will think you know what you’re talking about (which quite often is definitely NOT the case).

Just look at these two sentences, and tell me which sentence you would think an intelligent, articulate adult would use:

1. When Alex and Asher go ride their bikes, I watch them close so they don’t go into the street.

2. When Alex and Asher go ride their bikes, I watch them closely so they don’t go into the street.

Or these two:

1. Interesting enough, the fragrance emanating from his clothing originated from a brisk lumbering skunk that frequents this particular path in the park.

2. Interestingly enough, the fragrance emanating from his clothing originated from a briskly lumbering skunk that frequents this particular path in the park.

(Okay class, which sentences have the adverbs? Which ones sound as though you paid attention in school for a few years? Which ones contain the ‘ly’ words? If you chose sentence number 2 for both, you are a super star! Actually, I don’t really think an intelligent, articulate adult would say anything remotely resembling the sentences in the second group. First of all, how many people do you know who have met a skunk on a path in the park? Not many, that’s for sure. I can’t think of anyone who’s had that experience. Although, I must say that one time when Cousin Susie and I were at Diamond Lake, we came across a skunk while we were hiking around the lake…no, wait a minute, ignore that last remark. It was actually a porcupine we came across, and he didn’t have an odor, and he looked nothing like a skunk…so I stick with my original premise that almost no one has come across a skunk on a path in the park.)

Actually, I have a great website for adverbs that has multiple other websites for students to learn about adverbs and to demystify them:

http://newton.uor.edu/facultyfolder/rider/adverbs.htm

Here’s a little tip: If you come across an ‘ly’ word, it’s probably an adverb. (Ex: happily, strangely, frantically, hilariously – yes, they’re all adverbs – they modify verbs (and a lot of other things too). For example: happily singing, strangely creaking, frantically screaming, hilariously laughing, etc.)

Whoa! How did we get here? I actually began by talking about how my view of life changed as I aged.

So, what I was trying to say before we got into this morass of grammar was that as I age, many things that seemed so important when I was younger, don’t really seem important now. When I was younger, I had so many rules, black and white beliefs, and requirements for so many things. Since I’ve gotten older, many of the things that were topics of discussion and interest like which clothes to wear (wearing anything other than comfortable clothes and shoes seems complete insanity at my age), what brand of make-up looks best, holding in my stomach and “I gained 2 lbs, do you think it shows?”, not asking advice because I was afraid I’d look stupid, worrying what people thought of me (although I must say, I’ve never really cared much what other people think of me, but now I care even less – the only people I care about thinking well of me are those people I love – the others can go fly a kite), having the greatest car, and yes, even using adverbs, just don’t really matter anymore.

I’ve discovered that I DON’T ALWAYS HAVE TO BE RIGHT; and once I discovered that, my defensiveness level dropped significantly. What a relief!


So, here’s a story: When I was 19, I was staying with Auntie Lou and Crazy Uncle Karl. One day Crazy Uncle Karl and I were talking about Long Beach State, and I, for some inane reason, insisted it was really called the University of California, Long Beach. He disagreed, and I set out to prove him wrong. I said I had a brochure from the school in my drawer, and I’d get it and prove to him that I was right. Well, I found the brochure, and guess what? It said “Long Beach State. Gulp. So, instead of going back with the brochure to tell him he was right, I instead told him I couldn’t find it, but I KNEW I was right. What an idiot! It just goes to show you how insecure and defensive I was at that age. [By the way, Crazy Uncle Karl was right about almost everything. He was maddeningly right, but right nonetheless.]

To continue…

As an older, wrinkled person, I think I’m much more willing to forgive faults in others (and in myself) and adopt more of a “live and let live” attitude rather than “my way or the highway” attitude. I think with each passing year, I realize more and more how very little I know, and I’m willing to make allowances for different opinions and lifestyles. I’ve realized that everyone isn’t (and shouldn’t be) a “me” clone; that people can actually have completely different opinions and beliefs about life and still be my friend, and I can still love them (sometimes I don’t, of course, but that’s okay too – I’m a work in progress). God must like variety, because there are so many of us here, and all of us are different. I’m also much more aware of how much I need other people and how important they are. I realize that the people I love aren’t always going to be here, and I need to enjoy them and love them while they ARE here because the next moment I turn around, they may NOT be here. (I love you, Auntie Grace and Mam and Uncle Red Red and Auntie Lou!)

And I guess most of all, the older I get, the more I TRY to be a better person. I really WANT to be a person I can be pleased with and that God can be pleased with too, and know in my heart that I’m doing the best I can at the moment. Kindness has become so much more important than almost any other characteristic, and when I fail to reach that mark, I disappoint myself and try that much harder the next time. I think I’m learning from my failures, and they don’t just fly over my head like they did when I was younger. The criticism I receive now is something to be taken to heart and examined; and then I decide whether I believe it’s valid or not. And valid criticism is something that will change my behavior and something I try to be aware of so that I don’t continue to make the same mistakes over and over and over…I try to make new mistakes – oh, hey! Wait a minute! I don’t actually TRY to make mistakes, what I do is TRY not to make the same mistakes over and TRY not to make new mistakes either. Oh, how hard that is! Because many times, I don’t realize I’ve made a mistake because to me, it wasn’t a mistake until someone pointed it out. I say “I’m sorry” often, and really mean it – and “I’m sorry” means I try not to do whatever it was again.

One of the most important things I’m doing with my life right now is to care for mom and dad. It’s so important to me that I make their lives as happy and comfortable as possible right to the end. And one of the greatest gifts God has given me in my life is a husband who is so loving and supportive that he wants to care for and love mom and dad as much as I do. I couldn’t do what I’m doing without his help and support. Never has he made a disparaging remark or hinted in any way that he’d rather do something else rather than care for mom and dad, when I know there are many times when doing something else would be more fun or more relaxing or more interesting. There has never been the slightest look or harrumph noise or suggestion that we find someplace else for mom and dad to live or that they should find someone else to take them to their doctor’s appointments or to visit when one of them is in the hospital or nursing home. He just keeps on volunteering and supporting and offering and loving. Family is the most important thing to both of us, and caring for our family ranks the highest of all.

There should be a Medal of Honor for a husband who, from the very start of our marriage, has lived with his in-laws and loved them. We’ve weathered the bumpy parts (and there have been bumpy parts and still are sometimes – but love won out – and it’s important enough to care for them when they can’t care for themselves, that we don’t give up), and we’ve come to a point where mom and dad have become our children and need us to help them through this last part of their lives. Again I say, what an honor to be given this opportunity; but within the core of this opportunity is a man whose sense of honor and enormous heart have encompassed all of us and made everything possible. His life isn’t “It’s all about me!” His life is “It’s all about love and caring and giving back some of the gifts that have been given to us.”

I believe that a big part of love is sacrifice, and Papa (My Sweetheart) is a perfect example every single day of love and sacrifice in action. It’s so easy to TALK about love, to TALK about being kind, to TALK about caring, to TALK about the things we should do, to TALK about being a better person, to TALK, TALK, TALK … BUT to actually live a life that shows acts of love in almost everything we do ... we don’t see that very often.

I’m different in that respect, because I see love in action every day of my life in the way my husband cares for my parents. What a most amazing gift! God knew that I would need a husband who would do this, and He gave me that husband. How completely cool and awesome is that?!? If anyone ever thinks God isn’t active in our lives, this is a perfect example of Him actively caring and helping us right now on an ongoing basis, every single day. God is AMAZING!! And so is my husband with a heart so big, he can encompass our entire life together, including my parents, our children, and our amazing grandchildren. Even when I go wait in the car (a euphemism for “I’m going to go away now until my Sweetheart isn’t grumpy anymore), I’m so grateful and so blessed to have the husband I have. And best of all, he puts up with me so well. And lots of times, that ain’t easy! Because as much as I really, really want to be that wonderful person I’m writing about, many times I can’t do it, many times I don’t try hard enough, many times I’m just too tired, many times I just plain fail – and then here comes ME again! The ‘me’ that gets in the way of being that wonderful, kind, loving, all-forgiving perfect person; but you know what? He still loves me, and that’s another thing that’s just so darned great, I can’t even begin to tell you how great it is! And so I just keep trying.

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